I Hate You
by Color With Marker
Summary: Set after Old Oak Doors Part B. Cecil couldn't stand being apart from Carlos, or how badly it messed with his emotions. And neither of them knew what to do about it. Very dark fic. Dialogue inspired by the song "I Hate You" from If/Then.


_"...Best of luck at home. I love you."_

Cecil's hands shook as he heard the end of Carlos' voicemail. How selfish of him, to be away from his phone and busy fighting the crucial battle when Carlos was trying to reach him. How _selfless _of _his boyfriend_, to let all of the other Night Vale residents and various creatures from Desert Bluffs cross back into their own worlds before being shut out by the old oak doors, lost in a vast desert, all alone. How much he wished he could hold Carlos. How badly he wanted to hurt Carlos, so he would feel the agonizing pain he was suffering from. To kiss him. To kill him. To love him. To hate him.

The phone slipped from the radio host's hand and clattered on the floor of the mens' bathroom. Cecil's back hit the tiled walls and slid to the floor. He sobbed uncontrollably, moaning for his beautiful Carlos. Khoshekh hovered over his owner, unable to lick him sympathetically.

Once he was able to control his emotions, Cecil called his boyfriend, biting his fingernails as he heard each haunting ring.

Once. Twice. Thrice. Four times. Five -

_"Cecil?"_ Carlos' melodious voice barked. _"Cecil, is that you?"_

Damn, why couldn't he stop himself from crying? "Yes, Carlos, it's me," he said, laughing at their bizarre predicament. "I called as soon as I could. I'm so sorry I didn't answer my phone."

_"Not as sorry as I am for not crossing to the other side of the old oak doors before they shut on me,"_ Carlos said. _"It hadn't occurred to me that I wasn't originally from Night Vale. If I'd just thought about that instead of my stupid instruments, we could be together right now..."_

"It's not your fault, Carlos." Cecil bit his tongue when he felt his own rebuttal, for wanting to call Carlos' actions careless and reckless. "I just hope you'll be home soon enough."

_"...About that, Cecil... I don't know if I'll be back as soon as I promised. It's just - it's really hard finding Night Vale. I can't track it, it's not on any maps, there are no history books about the location of any thriving desert communities that aren't in New Mexico or Arizona - is Night Vale in either of those states, by chance?"_

Cecil bit his lip, shaking his head. "I don't know where Night Vale is," he whimpered. "I wish I did."

_"Don't worry about this. I'm going to find my way back to you. Don't forget, I'm a scientist. My job is to find the impossible. It's the seventh on the list in my scientist handbook, you know."_

"I know it is. Just make sure you find your way back, okay?"

_"I will."_ There was a pause, then, _"I meant what I said, Cecil."_

"That you have ninety-seven percent of your battery life?" Cecil asked. Considering how much talking he planned on doing each night, Carlos would need it.

_"No, Cecil, what I said after that. I love you."_

Hearing it the first time made Cecil want to jump for joy inside. This time, his heart broke, because Carlos sounded so scared. "I love you too, Carlos," Cecil said. "I love you with all of my chest."

_"Don't you mean your heart?"_

"The chest is where I assume my heart is. I'm not actually sure about where my organs are located."

_"Oh, that makes sense. I'm just glad you reciprocate my feelings. I have to go - my machines need tending to, so they can pick up the nuclear readings Night Vale gives off around midnight. I'll be home before you know it."_

After Carlos hung up, Cecil whispered, "I hate you." He shook his head. "I love you." His head hit the wall behind him. "Don't go."

* * *

"I hate you."

_"Oh, um, well, hello to you too, Cecil,"_ Carlos said with a laugh.

"I hate you."

_"Yes, I heard you the first time._"

"I love you."

_"I know you do... at least, I _think_ you do."_

"I hate you."

_"Cecil, is there something you need to talk about?"_

Cecil sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I don't know how I feel about all of this, Carlos," he admitted. "You have no idea how hard it is to be here, without you."

_"I know it's hard for you. It's hard for _both_ of us. It's just... hard."_

Cecil forced himself to smile. "Have you at least made any progress on finding Night Vale?"

_"I've given up on finding Night Vale. I think my luck is within finding Route 800 first. I mean, that's how I got to Night Vale, so there's no way it won't work again, right?"_

"I hope so."

"_Cecil, it's been over two weeks since the doors closed, and I've made no progress. I can't even find civilization. Just vast desert… Maybe it's a sign."_

Cecil shook his head vigorously, knowing Carlos couldn't see him. Carlos couldn't give up! He had to find Night Vale again, he just had to!

"_Maybe it's for the best."_

"Don't do it!" Cecil cried. "I need you!" When he heard Carlos' stammering, unable to come up with a proper response, Cecil nearly dropped his cellphone. This wasn't something out of the blue. Carlos was _thinking about it_. "Forget it," he said into the receiver. "I know you." He slammed his fist against the counter. "My God, how I hate you."

"…_So is this it?"_

No! Cecil couldn't let this be over, not yet. They had to keep trying. "Don't leave me! I love you!" Why was he so conflicted over this? Was it something in the new water purifier he'd used this afternoon?

"_I love you too, Cecil. But…"_

_But_? Why did there have to be a "_but_" in this? Couldn't they just be in love and stay together? Why was Carlos trying to drive this wedge between them? Cecil gripped his pant leg, to keep himself from breaking something.

"Don't say that you love me," he growled.

"_Cecil–"_

"'Cause what does it matter? You're going to leave me, so leave me! Whatever! It's not like I need you!"

"_Cecil."_

Cecil felt his chest rip in two. He could hear the pain in Carlos' tone. He didn't want this breakup any more than he did. He just didn't want either of them to be hurt.

"I need you," Cecil insisted. "Don't leave me." When Carlos gasped, he continued, "I know I'm not selfish, but me-me-me, I-I-I need you to stay… okay?"

"_Oh, Cecil,"_ Carlos said breathlessly into the receiver. _"In my life, I haven't made that many promises. Just one to science, and one to you. And you know me like no one has known me before… and so you know what I have to do… and no matter what you say, you want me to."_

Cecil bit his lip. He hated when Carlos knew exactly how he felt, especially when he didn't even know how he felt.

He heard an intern call to him that the weather was almost over and he needed to return to the booth. He stood and began hastily making his way through the hectic studio.

"Let's look at this calmly and discuss how I hate you," he growled into the receiver. Many of the workers turned their heads in shock, but Cecil kept on going, "The ways that you've hurt me – though really you haven't – you're clearly about to – DON'T TOUCH ME!" he shouted at Intern Maureen, who made the mistake of reaching out to grab his arm, and ask if he was alright. She quickly jumped back and stared at him. That didn't stop Cecil's rant. "I hate you. Just leave me. Whatever. I'll get on without you. I'm tough and resourceful, I'm steady and sturdy…" Cecil stopped, hand frozen on the doorknob for the booth. "And freaking the fuck out."

"_Look, Cecil, I know that you're busy, so maybe we should talk about this after the show, okay?"_ Carlos suggested.

His sweet, beautiful, imperfectly perfect Carlos.

"I love you."

Who wanted to leave him. That little reminder overpowered his other emotions.

"I hate you!" Cecil opened the door and slammed it behind him, the weather playing its final seconds. "So screw you! You're making me crazy, so go!"

And Carlos did. As soon as the dial tone reached Cecil's ears, he realized his mistake. "Wait! No!" he shouted at his phone. But Carlos was already gone.

The light flicked on, signaling that he was on-air again. Cecil took a deep breath, slipped his headphones over his head to cover his ears, and leaned close to the microphone. "I'm sorry, viewers, but I need to take a moment to say something to Carlos. Carlos, I hope that wherever you are, you're listening to this. To me.

"In my life, I've always said I don't need anyone. I love _our_ life, and I _love_ you. And I swore that I'd love without wanting or needing you… but it's too late. I need you, too.

"You're the reason I think this life might not be meaningless. You're my North Star, my map to grace. You're my single best decisions in a life of many awful ones. My one big yes, my one embrace. With you…. I never feel I'm out of place."

Cecil's breath grew heavy as his speech ended. That was one of the most difficult and personal things he'd admitted on radio. He couldn't tell if he felt sick, relieved, or terrified.

From the door, Intern Maureen made a sign with her hands, meaning that station management wasn't too pleased with Cecil not talking about the news. He nodded and continued with his radio broadcast, hoping that Carlos had heard him.

* * *

There was only one thing that could make this week worse, and it was standing with Dana on his front step when he returned from Big Rico's Pizza.

"Hello, Cecil."

"What're you doing here, _Steve_?" Cecil seethed. _God_, he hated Steve Carlsburg. He hadn't forgiven him for the imitation of Carlos he'd done – and live on the air, too!

"He's here for moral support, Cecil," Dana explained.

"I don't want his support."

"Cecil, can you come inside? There's something you should see."

There was something in Dana's voice that put Cecil off. Like something horrible was about to happen. He didn't question it as Dana took his arm and led him inside his home. (Steve kept a wide berth; the last time he touched Cecil's arm, Cecil tried to saw _and_ burn it off.) He was told to sit on the couch, with Dana seated beside him and Steve standing by the television. When it was turned on, Cecil's world shattered.

There was a news broadcast on, reporting from Desert Bluffs. (How clean it looked when you stood outside the houses, Cecil thought bitterly to himself as he remembered the bloody studio he'd once visited.) There had been a lynching, of one of Night Vale's more valued citizens, as a reminder that their war wasn't quite over yet. Pre-recorded footage was played, submitted by a "shocked bystander" named Lauren.

And he watched as Carlos was tied to a tree, as the citizens of Desert Bluffs tore him to shreds with their clawed fingers.

Cecil didn't wait for the broadcast to end. He ran to his bathroom and vomited into his toilet. He felt Dana's hands rubbing his back soothingly, but nothing was soothing anymore. Everything was wrong. Everything became meaningless again.

Carlos was gone.

Carlos was _dead_.

"It happened a few days ago," Steve explained, as if it would help Cecil feel better (it didn't). "Based on the time difference between you and Dana before, who knows when you and Carlos really talked last. Guess that's what happens when you don't have a real perception of time, eh?"

Dana said goodbye to Cecil, whose head was hidden behind his hands, and left with Steve.

Once he was sure he was alone – the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home had been with Hiram McDaniels ever since Dana was announced the new mayor of Night Vale, so she hadn't been writing messages on his walls or hiding in closets for some time now – Cecil dragged himself to his bedroom. He spotted a picture of himself and Carlos, sitting on Carlos' car and watching the lights above the Arby's, taken a few months after they started dating, framed on his nightstand, and clutched it close to his chest.

Carlos had been so bent on finding his way back that he wound up in Desert Bluffs. And damn his determination for tricking him into going the wrong way.

"Goddammit, you did it. I knew you would do it," Cecil spoke to the air, as if Carlos was with him. He snarled, "You asshole, I hate you. I totally blame you. And really – how could you?!" His fingers squeezed the frame tighter. "I hate you. I hate you. I hate that I hate you. I hate that I love you. I love you. I…"

Cecil gasped at his mistake, and the reality of it.

"…_loved_ you… I _loved_ you."

That didn't make anything better. It was all too much.

"I lost you. I hate you. Goddamn you. You _asshole. You motherfucker!_" Cecil threw the frame at the wall. The glass shattered and flew around the room. Cecil drew his knees to his chest and hugged himself, sobbing heavily.

* * *

Before the next show, Cecil stood in the bathroom mirror, staring at his reflection. He had to pull himself together, for his listeners. He needed to show them that he was still the same Cecil Gershwin Palmer.

"In my life, I haven't made that many promises," he told his reflection, not caring if someone happened to overhear. "Just one to him, and now to you, too: that I will never let this world take me away from you. You brought us both here. I'll see you through. Whatever comes, whatever I must do, it's me and you."

Who was he even talking to?

"It's me and you."

He was talking to Night Vale. The only thing that's ever truly been there for him.

"It's me and you."


End file.
